Creator God, thank you for giving us the gift of life! You have made us in your image and breathed your Spirit into us. May we be reminded in this hour of worship, that because of you, we are alive with divinity and each one a part of Christ’s community. Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good morning, again. It’s good to see all of you here. Glad that you are here. If you’re new with us, we would like to welcome you, because we think we’re doing something rather unique. We think it’s special, and it’s certainly counter- cultural in today’s world. You have caught us right in the middle of 40 days of prayer together. 

 

Over 500 people in this congregation have signed on to pray everyday, as most of you know, for 40 days.  We’re using this amazing, little guide. Isn’t this fantastic? Our people created it. It’s wonderful!

 

We’re doing it for a reason. We are intentionally seeking to deepen our relationship together with the Spirit of the Living God, and we’re doing so believing that, from that effort, the people, not just a few people, but the people of this church will receive a prayer-based vision for what God wants this church to do next. We’re linking that with six weeks of emphasis on community. We are sharing six messages, six teachings, on how to deepen our relationships right here in our church family, and at the same time, hopefully reaching out to those in the community around us. We are doing that because the Bible says, quite frankly, from cover to cover, we are better together than when we are by ourselves. Let me say that again. We are better together than when we are by ourselves. 

 

Romans12:5 says, “Christ makes us one body, and individuals who are connected to each other.” 

 

The key word today: “connected.”  

 

We have some great news, I believe, to share with a broken, a violent, a divided, a lonely, a conflicted world. Our news is simply this: Guess what? You and I and all of creation have been created for community.   We have been wired for relationships. We were made to go through this life together. We were formed for a family.

 

Now, you may not realize it, but if you’re a part of the family of God, you are, in fact, connected. The people of God’s family are connected to you, and you are connected to them.

 

Now, here’s the problem. The problem is it’s very easy, isn’t it, to get disconnected in our relationships. You know what I’m talking about? It’s easy to get disconnected from your children, for instance, from your parents, from your brothers and sisters, from your friends, from your spouse if you’re married. You can even get disconnected from your church. You can get disconnected from your small group.

 

Now, today, what I want us to do is to look at what might cause that. Why do relationships sour? Why do they go bad? Why do they fall apart? More importantly, how do we repair them? How do we maintain them? How do we rebuild them, sometimes making new ones? How do we stay connected the way the Bible says God obviously intends?

 

Well, first of all let’s see how many of you are in small groups? Hands? Look at that. That’s fantastic. Wonderful! We are thrilled. That’s amazing, and if you’re still thinking about becoming apart of one, please note that we strongly encourage people in this community of faith to become part of a small group. The reason we do is because, simply, a small group is a lab. It’s a place were we learn how, as Christians, to get along with each other. Now you think that would be obvious. But what we find, of course, is that it’s not always as obvious as one might seem. 

 

Just here in church and not just here in church, by the way, it is something that we believe carries over to where you work. It carries over in your homes, in your marriages, if you’re married. It happens and carries over in your friendships, and your ministries, or where you go to school, or right here in the community of Columbia. It doesn’t matter where.

 

Now, let me give you a little warning. We have mentioned this before, but I need to mention it again. Have any of you noticed how God tends to like variety? Have you noticed that? That means you are going to have some differences with other people, even if you’re in a small group with other people. That’s because the only people who agree with everything are dead people. OK? 

 

So, if you’re looking for a nice, little gathering where everybody is getting along in perfect harmony, and everybody is agreed, check into the cemetery. I think they have a place for you there. But if you’re not ready to go there, let’s get down and dig in with what it takes to have good, healthy, strong, life-giving relationships. You see, when we build relationships, we build community. When relationships fall apart, community falls apart. That’s what I want you to see today.

 

Proposition: Every relationship and every community has enemies and has friends. Every relationship, every community has things that build it up and things that tear it down. I’m going to mention four of each of those today. Let’s start in with number one.

 

The number one enemy of community, folks, is selfishness. You know what that is. That is when your actions and motivations lack consideration for others. It’s when it’s all about you. It’s when your chief concern is about your own personal profit, or your own personal pleasure, or your own personal life style, or the way you want to do whatever it is that you want to do. 

 

All of the bad stuff: arguments, hostilities, fights, divorces, lawsuits, even wars, all start because of selfishness. Did you know that? It all starts because I want what you have. I want what you have, and I’m not getting it. Since I’m not getting it, I’m going to take it. OK? 

 

James 4 puts it this way: “What causes fights and quarrels? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something, but you don’t get it, and then bam.” (Well it doesn’t say “bam,” but that is the idea.) 

 

Selfishness, self-centeredness, self-serving actions and motives that lack consideration for others. That’s what destroys relationships. When relationships die, communities die. 

 

Illustrations abound. What I want you to hear is that this wonderful gift that God has implanted in every single one of us for self-preservation, somehow got turned into, or does get turned into to self-centeredness and self-absorption. Self-preservation and self-centeredness – self-absorption – are two very important different things. When that happens, people get hurt, and anger erupts, and evil happens. 

 

I’ve been doing this for almost 40 years, and I’m so tired of listening to nonbelievers whine. They whine like this: “How can it be? If there is a God, why is there so much evil in the world?” Has anyone heard that before? Oh, I’m so sick of that. It’s not real hard to figure out, folks. Essentially, it’s because of selfishness – the selfishness that’s in this world.

 

I want what I want, and you want what you want. When that is the driving force, the primary core value that you and I hold, people get hurt. Evil erupts.

 

The real issue – the bigger issue – for me is not evil. The bigger issue is good. Why is there good in this world? It’s not very hard for me to see why there is evil. What I don’t understand is why there is any good? I think, essentially, there is only one reason that there is any good in this world. That’s because there is a God. Without God, there is no reason for anybody to be good. None whatsoever. Without God, all you have out there is the law of the jungle. You’re free to be driven to think simply of me. Just me. Not you. Just me. That’s the law of the jungle.

 

Proverbs 28:25 says, “Greediness stirs up dissensions. Selfishness only causes troubles.”

 

So, if selfishness destroys relationships and, therefore, destroys communities, then self-giving builds them up. What does that mean? It means a little bit less for me, and a little bit more for you. Can you handle that? It’s what Roger Fisher was saying so beautifully, I think, this week in his Friday entry of our prayer guide. It’s when you and I are concerned more with the needs and the desires of others, than we are with our own.

 

Philippians 2:4 says, “Look out for one another’s interests and not just your own.” 

 

Why? Because that’s what builds relationships. When we build relationships, we build community. In fact, if you are a person who starts acting in a self-giving way to another person, have you noticed how it forces that other person to change? The reason is, simply, because you are not the same person with them. They have to relate to you differently, because you are a different person. You start giving them what they need, not what they deserve. When you start giving people what they need, not what they deserve, it transforms them. Did you know that? It’s amazing. I see it all the time. I see it right here in this church. It’s transforming.

 

A good example is that wonderful, old movie, As Good As It Gets. How many of you saw that? No? What do you all do at night?

 

It stars Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt. It’s a great movie from about ten years ago. You can get it. 

 

Jack, in this thing, is basically a jerk. He is a self-centered jerk. He’s cranky. He has all kinds of compulsions. He has all these hang-ups. Nobody likes Jack.

 

Now, Helen comes along, and she shows Jack genuine kindness. He’s not use to genuine kindness. It transforms him. 

 

If we had video capacity today, I’d show you the clip, but since we don’t, I’ll have to give you the words. 

 

Jack says, “Well, my compliment to you is I started taking the medication I was prescribed this morning.”

 

Helen says, “I don’t quite get how that’s a compliment for me.”

 

Jack says, “Well, it’s pretty simple. You see, you make me want to be a better man.”

 

She says, “That may be the best compliment I’ve ever received.”

 

Self-giving: it transforms other people. I’m convinced you cannot be a self-giving person on your own. Oh, everybody is unselfish from time to time. It’s not hard to do it on occasion. We call it “philanthropy.” We’re not talking about “philanthropy” here. We’re talking about a lifestyle. God wants us to have a lifestyle of self-giving.

 

Galatians 6 says, “Live freely, animated and motivated by God’s Spirit, and then you won’t feed the compulsion that you have for selfishness.”

 

The second thing that destroys relationships, and, therefore, destroys community is pride. There are two kinds of pride, as you know. There’s constructive pride, and there’s destructive pride. 

 

Constructive pride is good. I’m proud. You’re proud. We’re all proud about things that give us satisfaction. We get satisfaction from doing good things, from accomplishing good things – the things we have achieved, either individually, or as a family, or as a community, or as a nation. We are proud of the good things we have accomplished. That’s not what Scripture is talking about when it talks about “pride.” When the Bible talks about “pride,” it’s talking about “destructive pride.”

 

Destructive pride is having an excessively-high opinion of yourself and with those with whom you are closely associated. That’s harmful. That’s not good.

 

Proverbs 13 says, “Destructive pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

 

That kind of pride shows up in a whole variety of ways. If you are a person who is always critical of other people… If you are judgmental of others… If you are looking down on other people… If you are putting other people down… If you are one of those picky perfectionists that requires high maintenance… You have a pride problem. 

 

Now, the problem with pride is that it is self-deceiving. It is self-deceiving in this way. You can see what is wrong with everybody else, but you can’t see what everybody sees when they look at you. That’s pride. That’s self-deceiving.

 

Proverbs 16 says, “That kind of pride destroys a person. It leads to their ruin.”

 

The bigger the ego, the harder the fall. So, it’s destructive pride that destroys relationships. When we destroy relationships, we destroy community.

 

What’s the antidote to that? Humility builds relationships. Humility simply means having and showing a modest estimate of one’s own importance. Now, that is a pretty tall order. How do we grow in humility? 

 

Ephesians 4 says, “Let the Spirit change your way of thinking about yourself and make you into a new person.”

 

How does that happen?

 

Well, it is the basic law of relationships. You all know what that is. It’s very basic. You tend to become like the people you spend time with. Right? You know that. If you spend time with angry, arrogant, grumpy people, guess what? You sort of tend to be arrogant, and grumpy, and angry. But if you spend time with positive-centered, loving, caring, compassionate people, well, you see? You tend to become more positive-centered, loving, caring, compassionate.

 

The point: If you want to learn true humility, spend time with Christ. Turn to your New Testament, and look at Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Just spend time, because there is the model for humility. Spend time in this prayer – these 40 days – we’re spending together. That would be wonderful. When we do… When we encounter that Spirit, it helps us begin to become a little more humble. Humility is hard, folks. Humility builds relationships, though. It does. And when we build relationships, we’re building community.

 

The third struggle we all struggle with relationally is the struggle of insecurity. This is a tough one for me, folks. Insecurity destroys relationships.

 

Proverbs 29:25 says, “Our fear of others will prove to be a snare. The fear of human opinions disables us.”

 

What does that mean? Well, it means, simply, when I’m so insecure that all I can think about is your opinion… When all I can think about is what you think of me… That disables my life. It destroys our relationship. It destroys it, because when I am afraid of you, I want to try to control you. Have you ever noticed that? The people you are afraid of are the people you want to control. You can’t get close to, you can’t experience intimacy, you can’t experience friendships with someone you are trying to control. Right? As most everybody here knows, the secret to intimacy, the secret to closeness, is what? It’s letting go of control. Ah.

 

So, if insecurity destroys relationship, what builds them? You know the answer to that. We call it “love” in the Christian community.

 

1 John 4:18 says, “Love has no fear. It has no fear, because agape love, perfect love, real love, the love of God expels all fear.”

 

It doesn’t matter what you are afraid of. Whatever it is, God’s love has the power to expel it. The moment you begin to realize how much God loves you, and that really starts to sink in… When those lights start to come on… When you start to get it… When you start, not only to get it, but also to embrace it… That love, according to the Scripture, has the power to throw whatever fear you have right out of your life. It’s amazing. That’s the witness of Scripture. It’s the witness of the Church for 2,000 years. 

 

You don’t have to prove yourself to anybody any more. You don’t have to impress anybody. You don’t have to live under the pressure of somebody else’s expectations of you, or somebody else’s definition of you, simply because you are all caught up in something else. Whatever is going on in somebody else, it doesn’t matter. They may be having a good day. They may be having a bad day. It doesn’t matter, because you’re focused, you’re centered, you’re caught up in the love of God revealed in Christ Jesus.

 

Folks, almost everybody I know wants to be able to live with that kind of confidence. Where do you get it? 

 

1 John 4:15 says, “All who proclaim that Jesus is the Christ of God, have God living in them, and as they live in God, our love grows more and more perfectly so that we will not be afraid.”

 

It doesn’t matter what it is. Whatever the fear, we will not be afraid. It’s a little bit every day. It’s a step at a time. It’s a life-long process. It’s not going to happen tomorrow, but it will happen. Wow!

 

The fourth enemy of community is resentment. Resentment destroys relationships. 

 

We all blow it. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. No one bats 1,000. I don’t measure up to God’s standards. I don’t even measure up to my own standards. So, because we are all imperfect, we are going to hurt other people. 

 

And guess what? Other people are going to hurt us. They do it intentionally. They may do it unintentionally, but it’s going to happen. 

 

It’s just part of life. It doesn’t make it right, but it’s going to happen. Sometimes those hurts are big, and sometimes they are just piled up little things, but they become big. What matters is what we do with that hurt. Are we going to let it make us better, or are we going to let it make us bitter? You know bitter people. That is a sad scene.

 

Let me clarify something before we go on. Anger is not always wrong. You all know that. Don’t you? Resentment is always wrong. That’s what we are talking about. Anger is not always wrong. 

 

Anger can be good. When you see injustice in this world, you better be angry. If you are not angry with what’s going on in the world right now, I’m concerned about you spiritually. You should be angry with what’s going on in this world. You ought to have some fire in your belly about the injustices that abound. OK? The reason is that kind of anger comes out of love.

 

You mess with my kids, or any kids… You mess with my wife, or any spouse… You mess with my family, or any family… You mess with my neighbors, or any neighbors… My small group, my church… I get angry. That’s a good thing. I should.

 

Now, there is a way, in the Bible, to be angry and not sin. There’s also a way to be angry that displeases God immeasurably.   It’s called “resentment.” Resentment is always wrong. Why is it wrong? Because resentment is just piled up anger. It’s called “frozen anger.” It’s just stuff you let keep building up, and carrying around. It gets bigger and bigger. Then “Bang!” It’s not good.

 

Job 5 says, “Resentment kills the fool.”

 

Resentment is not good for two reasons, folks. 1. When you are resentful, things build up. You stop thinking clearly. Your perspective gets cloudy, and adrenalin starts to pump. When that happens… 2. You start acting in self-defeating ways. 

 

The most foolish things that have happened in the history of this world have been done out of revenge, retaliation, resentment. And guess who gets hurt? Everybody.

 

Now, I know there is something in most of us that just loves to get even. We just can’t resist it. Does anybody here know what I’m talking about?

 

Did anybody see the old movie Fried Green Tomatoes? OK. You are already laughing, because you know what’s coming. Don’t you?

 

Kathy Bates plays Evelyn. Evelyn is this sweet, little, Southern woman. She’s just flat tired of getting pushed around all the time. She is tired of being left out. She is tired of never having any of her needs met. So, she goes to these assertiveness training classes, which are hysterical in themselves.

 

The scene in the movie that everybody already remembers – because we’ve all been there – goes like this. Evelyn goes to the grocery store. She’s in her car, and she goes to the parking lot. Guess what? Every single space in that parking lot has been taken. So, she’s circling around. She’s still in a pretty good mood, just looking for a space. 

 

All of a sudden, a car pulls out. She turns on her signal to let people know that she is going to come in. She waits until that car pulls itself out and clears. Just as she is ready to pull in that space, two young women in a VW Bug pull right in, in front of her.

 

Well, little Miss Meek Evelyn has a shot of adrenalin. She has some resentment. OK? (Again, I’d show you this clip, but we don’t have that capacity.) She says, “Excuse me! I was waiting for that space.”

 

The two young women say, “Well, yea. Tough. But, face it lady. We’re younger and faster.” They laugh and walk on in to the store.

 

Evelyn is sitting in her car. She’s smoldering. No. She’s boiling. So, she drops her Ford Fairlane, with 400-horsepower, into gear. She puts the pedal to the metal, and she plows into the VW. Not once, not twice, but six times, screaming all the time at the top of her lungs, “Tiwanda!” She completely demolishes that Bug.

 

Those young women come out of the store. “What are you doing? Have you gone crazy?”

 

Then she replies with the line that millions remember: “Face it, girls. You may be younger and faster, but I’m older, and I have more insurance.”

 

Now, admit it. You love that. Right? I love that. Millions love that scene. We enjoyed it, because it is part of our nature to get even. 

 

What the movies leave out, folks, are the consequences – the consequences of revenge. They never show you that.

 

So, Paul reminds us, in Romans 12, when he says, on behalf of God, “‘Vengeance is mine,’ says the Lord. ‘I will repay.’”

 

So, what’s the antidote to revenge, to resentment? Very simply, forgiveness. Good ole Christian forgiveness.

 

Colossians 3 says, “You must make allowances for each other’s faults, and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

 

Three basic reasons: 1. Revenge doesn’t work. It never has. It never will. It just perpetuates. You might beat it down. You might really hurt somebody. You might even kill them, but it does not stop the cycle of violence. Revenge never works. It feels good, but it never works. 2. Colossians reminds us, “You forgive, because God has already forgiven you. That’s why you are here today. That’s why I’m here today. We wouldn’t be here if we weren’t. 3. I think we are going to need some serious forgiveness in the future. All of us are. So, the time to offer that to other people is right now. Not down the line, but right now. The reason I ask you to offer it to other people right now is because Jesus said, in the prayer he taught his people, that God will forgive our sins, our debts, in the degree to which we forgive others. Not any more. Not any less.

 

So, with that in mind, would you pray with me for a moment?

 

 

And we all say together… “Amen.”